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Balut – and the Couchsurfing Manila Experience

benj — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 16:49:59 +0000

Only a few delicacies in Southeast Asia could rival the balut’s (also called balot) reputation for being a gastronomical rite of passage. It is very common to see night vendors selling this delicious egg in street corners and there are even some who walk all night to search for potential buyers. A quick internet search would reveal that people in Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Thailand also consider balut as a nice treat. The term balut is the one that stuck because it was the one used in popular culture the most. The reality show series Fear Factor has routinely used the mysterious egg as one of the hurdles contestants must face to win the 50 000 USD cash prize.

Before we go any further, I guess it’s important to first discuss what it is. The balut is essentially a fertilized duck’s egg that was carefully aged to around 17 to 21 days. Depending on how far along the egg is, one could more or less surmise the size of the chick and the amount of yolk remaining inside. As a rule of thumb, the older the egg, the more likely that the resulting chick inside has a beak, feathers and oh-so-crunchy-bones! It is believed to be an aphrodisiac because nothing is sexier than eating an aborted baby duck before getting it on!

Since we at Couchsurfing Manila routinely entertain guests, the balut eating challenge has sort of become of a ritual. Some foreigners have been able to down one or two eggs as well as an average Filipino can but as you’d expect; a vast majority gagged, squinted and pulled faces towards conquering the balut challenge. I can honestly say that I’ve forgotten the names of the people who were able to eat balut easy – the ones that stick are the ones who totally made a fuss about it and took more than ten minutes just to eat the contents.

Eating a balut egg is quite simple:

1. Take the more rounded edge of the egg and slightly tap it against the edge of the table;

2. Peel off the shell on that rounded edge;

3. Tear the thin membrane exposed on the top of the egg, doing this would allow a liquid to pool;

4. Add salt and drink the liquid;

5. After drinking the liquid, you may proceed to taking the shell off completely;

6. You may enjoy the balut by eating the entire thing whole or dissecting it further to smaller components.

One thing that foreigners would need to know is that there are also a lot of Filipinos who don’t eat balut – especially among the members of Couchsurfing! Some would eat only the yolk and the hard chorion component and skip eating the chick (read: eating the chick is the actual challenge). I actually ate my first balut chick in Couchsurfing event three years ago. Sometimes, peer pressure could be a good thing!

This got me thinking. Is it worse that you don’t tell anyone what they’re about to have and hence make them more uneasy with the uncertainty of the whole situation; or is it better to tell them that it is an aborted duck embryo? Interestingly, NOT knowing about it seems to work like a charm in favor of the foreigner – they tend to gobble it down like it was no big deal at all!

If you’re heading out to Manila or just hanging out with the CS crew, you would probably have to down one of these bad boys. There’s no possible way to prepare for this one so yeah, you’re screwed. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Photo by Edgar Alan Zeta Yap.

Quiz Night and other Trivia Venues around Manila

benj — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 13:39:07 +0000

I’ve been going out to play trivia for over a year now and it continues to be a very good night out activity for me instead of simply eating out in a restaurant or drinking in a bar. I like learning new stuff and competing against people who also want to win so going to quiz night is certainly an exhilarating experience at times – at least during the times when my team has a chance to win.

Here are the quiz night venues that I usually go to:

121 Grille and Restaurant

TUESDAY

Alegro Center, Pasong Tamo Extension, Makati City

(02) 8560529

This place used to by team’s (The Strippers) stomping ground back in 2010. We won here a total 21 times and our good friends from Urban Fervor won an impressive 18 times. The food and booze prices are very reasonable and the environment is very fun and at times, intensely competitive. Categories and questions are usually of the pop variety meaning that casual players could probably just dive in and play. Call in advance to get a table for your team. 121 offers a complimentary appetizer for people who reserve ahead of time.

The winning team gets a 1000 peso gift certificate.

Starts 930 PM ends around 12 MN.

Capricciosa

WEDNESDAY

Connecticut St., Greenhills, San Juan

(02)7440689

This establishment is a lot smaller than 121 and a lot more homey making the playing environment less impersonal and a lot warmer. The atmosphere here is certainly friendlier compared to the other trivia venues. The questions asked are usually a good sampling of topics from the world of entertainment, history, humanities, science and geography. It’s a mixed bag and it’s always anybody’s game. The food is also excellent and you’ll definitely enjoy grabbing a nice meal here even if it’s not a trivia night event.

The winning team gets a 1000 peso gift certificate while the team that comes in second gets a bottle of wine.

Starts 945PM and ends around 12MN.

Murphy’s

TUESDAY

Rufino St. cor. Esteban, Legaspi Village, Makati

(02) 894-1884

This Irish bar is the grand daddy of all the quiz night venues. The crowd is relatively older compared to the first two venues mentioned and the questions sound like they came out of an encyclopedia. If you’re a fan of real trivia, hard sciences, world history and sports facts, you would probably love Murphy’s hands down. The game can get very competitive because of some of the egos in the room. The prize is quite hefty as well – it’s a 2000 peso gift certificate for a win and there are even bigger monthly prizes given away for the best teams.

The food is excellent. Make sure you try their burgers.

Starts 830PM and ends around 11PM.

Ronza Bar and Restaurant

THURSDAY

Wilson St. cor. P. Guevarra, San Juan City

Ronza is a well-kept secret among trivia aficionados who want to combine their love for music history and karaoke. The bar offers a very fun and often raucous trivia night that requires teams to name songs and artists as well as sing at least three lines of a song. It’s definitely NOT for people who want real trivia; go here if you want to chill out and party WHILE trying to win at trivia. Booze is quite reasonably priced – at 60 pesos, Ronza serves the cheapest beer at any of the four places listed here.

The winning team gets a bottle of liquor – usually Absolut.

Starts 1015PM and ends around 1AM.

Salmiakki Koskenkorva – the Finnish drink with ammonium chloride

benj — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 13:51:03 +0000

Finland is probably one of the best countries in the world. Aside from having a big non-religious sector of the population (currently at around 20%), Finland is also home to the most interesting music artists I’ve heard. I do try to scour through the metal madness that Europe has to offer so I’m very familiar with some Finnish bands. Try looking for videos of Apocalyptica, Nightwish, Sonata Arctica and Lordi and you’ll see how rich their metal culture is.

Over a regular Couchsurfing gathering, I met a Finnish guy who was working on finishing his post-graduate studies here in the Philippines. What was interesting was that we listened to the same bands – Tool, Slipknot, Mudvayne, Disturbed, Incubus, Lordi and even Korn.

Me: Hey dude, have you heard of Disasterpiece by Slipknot? The song that goes like “I want to slit your throat…”

Finn: *interrupts* “and fuck the wound!”

This prompts him to say that our musical tastes were not really similar - it was ALMOST the same. Since I was already more or less familiar with some of the best bands in Finland, I offered to give him a crash course in Filipino Hard Rock and Metal. I lined up my favorite Wolfgang, Razorback, Urbandub, Cheese, Greyhoundz, Slapshock and Badburn songs and even threw in tunes from Up Dharma Down and Cynthia Alexander for good measure.

Of course, listening to music needs to be heightened with copious amounts of alcohol. I’m not a big beer drinker so I shopped for so-called “girly” drinks (Tanduay Ice and Gilbey’s Premium Strength). My new friend decided that he’ll bring another Finnish tradition – Salmiakki Koskenkorva.

Yes, if it sounds scary to you; it’s probably because it IS scary. Let’s dissect the words – Koskenkorva is a place in Finland that produces vodka. Most of the alcohol in the country is made by firms controlled by the government. Salmiakki is a salt licorice candy that has relatively high amounts of ammonium chloride – a substance used to treat metal surfaces prior to coating. It is also used in fireworks… yes, fireworks.

So he brought some of the candy here and melted them in a pan with water. The result is a thick dark brown glop that was mixed with a bottle of vodka. As you can see in the photo, the resulting “drink” looks like motor oil. Quite frankly, it sounds like something that an assassin would use to poison the emperor.

After checking on Google and seeing that the drink was in fact real and I was not about to be one of the first Filipino victims to a Finnish practical joke, we toasted on a shot of Salmiakki Koskenkorva (wow, it does roll off the tongue quite easily, yes?). The licorice flavor definitely comes through giving it a very earthy and herby flavor – almost reminiscent of a much stronger Jagermeister (easily my favorite hard drink). What throws me off is the consistency of the melted salmiakki. It’s very similar to drinking syrup suspended in a very strong vodka – which is essentially what it was really.

The syrup’s consistency makes the taste of the salmiakki linger and it’s definitely an acquired taste. My friend even concedes that the salty licorice flavor isn’t for everyone and that he doesn’t really know a lot of people (other than the Finnish) who are into eating it.

There’s a half a bottle of salmiakki koskenkorva in my refrigerator and I don’t know what I’ll do with it. We headed out to meet up with the seventy-strong Couchsurfing Manila contingent and called the first Filipino-Finnish Metal Convention (attendance: 2) a massive success.

Thanks Risto!

Elation: A Chocolate And Shooters Buffet

benj — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:13:29 +0000

Chocolate is one of the few things in life that most people can agree on. It has innate properties that makes it a feel-good food for anyone with a sweet tooth. I rarely blog about food events but when I read about this chocolate fondue buffet, I just knew that it would tickle the fancy of so many people.

On November 14 2008 (Friday), Elation Buffet will be launching its novel business concept at the Grand Terrace in Commonwealth Avenue, Quezon City. Aside from loads and loads of the finest chocolate fondue, Elation would also be serving all the shot drinks that you can drink. The party starts at 8:30 PM and it would only cost you P250 to get in! Given the prices of fondue and shots elsewhere, it really looks like that this is definitely a steal!

For tickets, you may leave a comment here or text Vero: 09178516637
See you all there!

I got this drinks list from Elation Buffet as well.

23 SIGNATURE INDIVIDUAL SHOOTERS

1. Spongebob Bath Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? This pays tribute to the underwater cartoon

character everyone knows! Fresh pineapple with a simple alcohol beverage will surely quench your fruity

cravings!

2. Original Sin This is a refreshing apple concoction, which creates a surprising sting.

3. Cuba Libre This contains the great match of the spirit of soda with aged dark rum. Simply irresistible!

4. Confucius This is a mixture of different tastes, which may be puzzling, but will be an ultimate favorite!

5. Ocean Joy Just the sight of an ocean put into a drink will give you a relaxing, euphoric experience!

6. Goddess Everyone fantasizes to be a mythical god or goddess while reclining and being fed with grapes.

This has grapes, which are fresh and juicy, with the perfect mix of tartness.

7. Backstabber You may think that this is a light and sugary shooter, but little do you know that this has a

sharp taste of alcohol backstabbing you.

8. Bittersweet Sunset This is a perfect combination of fruity juices and liquors with a smooth taste, which

you will definitely cherish!
9. Scorching Discovery Instead of the traditional and plain tequila, why not combine it with a light fruity

flavor, which makes this ultimately refreshing!

10. Landslide This black forest drink will give your tongue the benefit of a crusty, fudgy landing, which will

flow smoothly from the tip of your tongue to your throat.

11. Melon Madness This mild melon mixture with yummy melon syrup will make you crave for more!

12. Midsummer Night This has the best of both worlds, swishing your tongue with a sour and sweet blend.

13. Flamingo Pomelo This will give you a sour kick you will enjoy!

14. Tine’s Lunchbox Remember the good old days when all you had was a peanut butter sandwich and a

banana inside your lunchbox? Well, this will bring back those fun snack times with your playmates!

15. Pseudo Margarita This is our special version of the lemon lime margarita!

16. Daredevil This is a mixture of various kinds of alcohol with your favorite carbonated drinks, which make

this drink more thrilling!

. 17. Aphrodite Who will not love a rich chocolate shooter coupled with another layer of thick, pure chocolate at

the bottom?!

18. Sarsaparilla Everyone misses the old fashioned root beer! But put together with your favorite liquor and

sweet jelly will give you a taste of its modern bubbly sweetness.

19. Playground Who does not know the famous Philippine chocolate, Chocnut?! The amazing chocolate and

peanut taste we once loved is now made even more captivating! This will certainly bring kindergarten

memories!

20. Earth Fusion Just seeing the colors of this drink will remind you of our mother earth. The green surprise

at the end added to earthy, fruity flavors will surely become a hit!

21. Buco Pandan Surprise What is a better idea than transforming our favorite dessert into a shot with a

native surprise at the bottom?! For sure, this will be a crowd pleaser!

22. Cappuccino Getaway This is the perfect coffee cappuccino shooter, a definite stress reliever.

23. Sweet Temptation You may be hesitant to drink this at first because of its black color, but if you try it,

you will appreciate its sweet, strong and unforgettable taste!

8 SIGNATURE SET SHOOTERS

1. Four Seasons

a. Winter This is a cool and smooth drink with the right amount of unique sweet frosting, which makes

it even more exciting!

b. Spring This light fruity drink will remind you of budding sweet cherry blossoms during spring time.

c. Summer Thinking of a perfect Hawaiian summer vacation? Well, this tropical drink will give you a

taste of the getaway you will never forget.

d. Fall How about a modern taste of tea, which will remind you of memories during autumn?

2. Stages of Love

a. Attraction Everything starts when you see that attractive person. This shot is milky and fruity with

red, sweet syrup, which will surely be a sight to sigh upon.

b. Infatuation Next comes what we call “in like.” After Attraction, this shooter begins to thicken and

become stronger, but still pampers your mouth with its dairy and smooth taste.

c. Love Of course, next is love. This has the perfect taste everyone is looking for.

d. Obsession You think everything ends with love? You are probably wrong. Sometimes, it leads to

Obsession. This shot has a very strong taste, which you can never let go

Halo-Halo on Top Chef by Dale Talde – Recipe Included

benj — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:22:07 +0000

I’m a big fan of reality TV and this year, the show that has kept me entertained the most has been BravoTV’s Top Chef. The show is currently on its fourth season and the initial crop of 16 cheftestants have been reduced to nine. The current season was filmed in Chicago and the who’s who of the culinary world has appeared on the show to judge – Anthony Bourdain, Ming Tsai to name a few. Top Chef is not available on local TV so depend on torrents to keep up with the series. Since I love to cook myself, it’s great to see the contestants whip out greatly plated dishes despite an unrealistic time frame. I know it sucks that we can’t really taste the food as we’re watching the show and we have to rely on the judges’ comments, but seeing good food and the drama behind the preparation still strikes me as something interesting – even more interesting than seeing who gets the ax next.

This season has been special because the cheftestants have been a mixed bag. There are obvious frontrunners though. Richard Blais has won the most challenges and is a self-professed molecular gastronomist who has whole bag of tricks up his sleeve. He has appeared previously on the US edition of Iron Chef. Stephanie Izard, a Chicago native, have also been consistently producing good dishes for both the quickfire challenge (that’s the pre-elimination challenge where the winner gets immunity) and the elimination challenge. The most interesting character of them all is probably Dale Talde. Dale Talde is Filipino and was born and raised in Chicago. He can be a bit confrontational and rude at times, but he has always performed well in the kitchen. Before being on the show, he was a sous chef at Buddakan, an Asian restaurant in the New York City.

If you’re getting the arrogant vibe from this photo, then it’s a very accurate description of what he has been edited as in the show.

For the seventh episode (S04E07), the cheftestants were asked to make a dessert in 90 minutes. Dale was very perplexed but he knew what he wanted he to do. He claimed that he only knows one dessert and that dessert was halo-halo! He further explained that he used to have it all the time as a kid. During judging he said that he was bringing something that we do in our culture. It felt great that the humble halo-halo was represented on Top Chef! Hehe

Don’t get the wrong idea that Dale sent a glass with gulaman and sago. (interestingly, somebody else has done tapioca balls and passed them off as faux caviar lol). As you could read on the caption, Dale made “Halo-halo” with shaved ice, avocado, mango,kiwi and nuts. That’s hardly the halo-halo we know, but come on! This is Top Chef! I guess this is the fine dining interpretation of the pedestrian dish we have grown to love and enjoy.

Dale looks like he has a good chance of winning it all. I hope he continues to do well. I hope the Philippine media picks this story up because unlike Ramiele Malubay, this guy has talent. Being Filipino is just one of the cool things about him, unlike in Ramiele’s case wherein it was the only thing that was going for here (from our perspective).

Here’s the recipe from the Top Chef website.

DIRECTIONS (copied from the Top Chef website)

Lemongrass Young Coconut Water Brother:
Pound lemongrass and ginger with sugar and coconut juice and coconut meat.
Place young coconut meat and water in pot and add lemongrass and ginger. Bring to a simmer and let steep for 10 minutes.

Braised Mango with Coconut and Chilies:
In a pan combine all ingredients, let simmer until mango is soft, then cut into strips.

Avocado Shake:
Add avocado to the blender with condensed milk. Turn blender on low then gradually turn to high slowly adding ice. Blend until smooth.

Bruleed Mango:
Dice mango, dust with sugar and brulee with a torch.

Kiwi Caviar:
Cut kiwi into quarters and remove white center, then cut out center seeds.

Five-Spice Cashews:
In a pot, add sugar (reserve two tablespoons), water and cashews. Boil until liquid becomes syrup. Let cool and strain out liquid, then deep fry cashews. When cashews are golden brown, remove and toss in remaining sugar and five spice blend.

Assembly:
Mix ice and lemongrass liquid well and add to glass, then add 3 ounces avocado puree, braised mango, bruleed mango, chopped candied cashews, young coconut meat, Rice Krispies, cilantro leaves and chili rings.
Here’s another blog entry about Dale.

Getting Naughty With My Coffee At Delifrance

benj — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:43:40 +0000

Thanks to Jayvee, I am not party to this big secret. Delifrance launched a new line of spiked coffee drinks in addition to their already renowned roster of hot and cold beverages. From March 3 to March 7, you may get a free drink if you could tell the barista the correct password. Password after the jump

Naughty with my coffee

I’m sure a lot of people would be quite skeptical about this but I’ve tried it and I can vouch for it! I went to Delifrance earlier after spending the day at the Obstetrics Admitting Section to see if I could really get something from merely saying four words. I went with a friend who was also interested in sampling the coffee. We scooted to the cashier and said the password. We were asked to repeat it and viola! We were given a number and asked to wait for our spiked drinks.

Though it’s not required to get something else with the coffee, we decided to get a couple of pastries to go with our free drinks. While all of this was going on, a photographer was waiting in the wings. Apparently, he was waiting for people who would avail of the free coffee. It seems like the secret is still… well, a secret. We were the only ones in the cafe who were drinking the featured drink so we literally had a paparazzi taking shot after shot at us.

For March 3 (Monday), the featured drink was Mayan Passion Kahlua. It was a very potent mix of a fairly strong blend of coffee and a rich chocolate liqueur. I’ve hardly taken anything alcoholic in the past four years so I really felt all the flavors in this one. The strong tastes of the coffee, chocolate and alcohol definitely worked well together.

I’m excited for tomorrow’s drink! It’s going to be Bailey’s Kiss Iced! Yum!

There will be a different drink every day so make sure to visit on all five days!

For more information, visit SpikedAfter5.com

The TriNoMa Bloggers Food Tour: The Honor Roll

benj — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 18:35:43 +0000

I know a lot has been said about certain food establishments that participated during the much anticipated and much ballyhooed TriNoMa Blogger Food Tour. Though I agree that certain people could’ve been nicer to bloggers, I somehow feel bad about potentially harming the reputation of a restaurant because of one lousy employee. Having been brought up by family built on the financial rewards of providing good food, I feel a little bit of empathy towards establishments that joined the project with good intentions. Of course, I only speak for myself and I respect what ever plan of action other bloggers have chosen to take.

This entry will feature the restaurants who served the best food and gave the most inviting atmosphere for bloggers to enjoy what they have to offer. I must remind you though that due to time constraints and gastric limitations, I was not able to visit all of the participating restaurants.

Aside from tasting the food, I also looked at the menus of most of the participating restaurants to see if the taste was in fact commensurate to the rate it was being sold for. It was also a good gauge on whether or not it was worth returning to any of the participating restaurants – you know, when I actually have to pay for the food.

So here’s the honor roll, in random order:

HAIKU – 3rd Level

Haiku got the ball rolling for me and they seemed very prepared with their signature dish – Sashimi Salad. The vibe inside the restaurant betrays the Zen minimalist philosophy that most Japanese restaurants exude. Instead of the muted shades of white and black, Haiku features rich hues of wood and bold patterns on the wall and ceiling. Despite these departures, the place still gives off a very Japanese feel. I don’t really know how that works, but once you’re in the premises you immediately feel that you’ll be served with good Japanese grub.

Understandably, my carnivorous self was not too thrilled with the dish that they served. The Sashimi Salad (See picture – P240) consists of the usual leafy greens, unidentified meat and more unidentified crunchy things laced with dressing. Two strips of tuna sashimi also accompany the salad base on a star-shaped platter. The plating is nice, but come on, can we get anything edible?

The other people seemed to have loved it so I guess it’s safe to assume that dining in Haiku would be an enjoyable and pleasurable experience for your regular leaf-eater.

Bubba Gump – 4th Level

Again, on an interesting note, I DON’T EAT SHRIMP. What tided Bubba Gump over for this picky eater is 1) their cordial and perky crew and 2) their amazing flavored lemonade. Ok, I don’t eat fruits too so it’s safe to assume that their lemonade was probably artificially-flavored. Who wants yucky natural goodness anyway? If you want it natural, then go suck milk out of a cow’s teat for all I care.

Minor beef with this restaurant: Assuming that the restaurant lifted it’s name from the movie, the name Bubba Gump makes no sense. Bubba and Forrest are NOT blood relatives and Bubba’s full name in the movie was actually Benjamin Buford Blue. So unless Bubba and Forrest got married in the Netherlands, Bubba Gump never existed in the plot. Boo. Oversight! Never mind, it’s just me being retarded… in a good way.

Mann Hann – 1st Level

These guys were prepared! The crew laid the food out on one table and the bloggers could easily taste their dishes while they readily answered whatever questions were directed their way. Finally, a restaurant with artery-clogging servings of pork! I wasn’t so thrilled with their suggested serving style though. They wanted us to wrap the pork in leaves before eating them.

Let me just say that’s that the grossest thing I’ve ever heard. Pork is meat. Pork is edible. Leaves aren’t. Can you even believe these people?!

I’ve eaten at Mann Hann before – while entertaining a guest from the US — and I think it showcases the best of what Filipino-Chinese cuisine has to offer. It’s a nice introduction for visitors from foreign lands and it could also serve as a nice reminder regarding the finest of Pinoy food.

Oki-Oki - 1st Level

Oki-Oki served an entire spread with drinks included. As the name would suggest, the restaurant is a upscaled version of mainstream Japanese restaurants like Yoshinoya and Tokyo Tokyo. Instead of further pushing Japanese dishes to the mainstream – like how Tokyo Tokyo glorifies breaded pork chop to Tonkatsu — Oki Oki pushes the envelope by putting an eclectic and sometimes unthinkable twist to traditional Japanese food.

No dish exemplifies this bold approach more than their best-selling Crazy Maki. They added a good amount of crunchy puffs and crab stick shreds to the usual maki to produce a more interesting texture and flavor. The price tag of 290 for 6 pieces could prove to be prohibitive, but based on taste, the Crazy Maki was up there with the best dishes I tried out that afternoon.

Fish & Co. – 4th Level

I’m a big fan of Fish & Co. so you could definitely expect to pig out on Fish & Chips if it’s on the house. A serving costs close to 500 pesos, but the taste the consistency of the fish will definitely keep you craving for more. The fries aren’ half bad either!

T.G.I. Fridays - 4th Level

Now this is interesting. TGIF has been my birthday-treat-for-friends-venue of choice for quite some time now so I’m really accustomed to eating their food. They decided to play it safe by serving their trademark Buffalo Wings, but I would’ve really appreciated it if they stepped outside the box and went with a more exciting entree. All things being equal though, the food still tasted terrific.

Other articles about the food tour! (lifted from AJ‘s blog)

The TriNoMa Bloggers Pig Out

benj — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 09:23:23 +0000

It would’ve sounded more apt – not to mention ten times cooler — to have called an upcoming event a bloggers pig out, but due to anti-gluttony and high brow brains behind this upcoming event, the name Trinoma Bloggers Food Tour would have to stay. Yehey! in association with the snazzy new Triangle North of Manila will be hosting a hundred lucky bloggers in an afternoon filled with food, fun and freebies.

The guest list is filling up fast. If you still want to try your luck, click here and register now.

We have Hemin!

benj — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 10:54:06 +0000

Yes, Hemin! What? You don’t know what HEMIN is?

Last weekend, I saw this weird-looking putty substance on a clear glass bowl along with the usual residents of my grandmother’s idol table. It looked like a putrid piece of crap – the piece of paper that came with it just confirmed what it really was.

According to the three-page letter that came with it, the dough (what?! it’s edible?!) was from the Vatican. The same letter also says that it is the bread of a certain dude named Padre Pio. ~~So seriously, what is it?!~~ But if you are xtian, you’re probably used to contradictions so this wouldn’t be as hard to understand.

Here’s the actual letter. I will not put the [sic] because it will be oh-so-redundant. Almost every sentence would need one.

THE HOLY BREAD OF PADRE PIO

This bread is called Hemin. It is the bread of Padre Pio and comes from the Vatican. It brings blessings to every famiily who eats it. ON the 10th day you must give to other good people.

REMINDER. YOU CANNOT REFUSE THE BREAD ONCE IT IS GIVEN TO YOU AND YOU CAN ONLY USE WOODEN SPOON.

What to do:

Once you receive the dough, put it in a large glass bowl. It must covered with either wax paper of plastic wrap and put it in the counter at room temperature. Do not put in the fridge.

On the first and second day. DO NOT TOUCH THE DOUGH. It nyst adapt and absorb to its surroundings and take in the atmosphere. This is what makes each so unique from family to family.

On the 3rd and 4th day. MIX THE DOUGH WITH A WOODEN SPOON ONCE PER DAY.

On the 5th day. ADD TO THE DOUGH 1 CUP OF MILK, 2 CUPS OF FLUOR AND 1 CUP OF SUGAR. MIX WELL WITH A WOODEN SPOON.

On the 6th day, 7th, 8th, 9th day. MIX THE DOUGH WITH A WOODEN SPOON ONCE PER DAY.

On the 10th day. ADD TO DOUGH 1 CUP OF MILK, 2 CUPS OF FLUOR AND 1 CUP OF SUGAR. MIX WELL WITH A WOODEN SPOON. When mix well separate the dough into 4 equal portions. You give way 3 of these portions to 3 different people.

You keep the 4th portion of the dough. YOU MUST ADD 1/2 CUP SUGAR, 3 EGGS, 1/2 CUP OIL and 2 TSP BAKING POWDER. Mix well with a wooden spoon. Grease a loaf pan. Baked in the oven at 32.5 degrees for 30 minutes.

Reminder:

YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO MAKE THIS HEMIN BREAD ONCE IN YOUR LIFETIME.

—–

Now tell me, isnt that just ~~sick, disgusting, unhygienic, stupid, i.e. everything else synonymous to christianity~~… gross? The thought of eating something that was passed on from the Vatican (assuming that the story holds true) is gut-wrenchingly idiotic.

And yeah, good luck baking something at 32.5 degrees!

The tenth day is about to come and I need three good people to partake of this feast of Hemin! Does anyone want a portion?